Saturday, January 29, 2011

Snow Day!

It was beautiful out yesterday. So warm, so Hunter and I decided to go out and enjoy!

He had so much fun, we made half a dozen snow angels and I was getting him to scoop up snow with his little Tigger paws, it was great! I let him lick some snow and he really liked it and was licking the air for more!
My little big boy will be 4 months old tomorrow! When did that happen?? As of tomorrow it will be exactly a year since I took that pregnancy test and found out we were expecting him. So much has happened since then. Found out Jan 30, had him exactly 8 months later on Sept 30. And now he's going to be 4 months old and already making snow angels. I am so thrilled to be his mommy!
I am definitely sad that I will have to start taking the chemo pill again soon. We had a followup appointment from my last MRI a couple days ago and were told that the previous blood clots are totally clear and gone, so that was great, but the neurologist reccomended that I start taking Hydrea again ASAP. He also thinks more phlebotomies might lower my platelet count, I would choose that over the meds any day. I did it once a week before and would do it again if it means keeping me off the meds and allowing me to breastfeed my boy longer. As it is, I don't think I'll make it to 6 months breastfeeding before they make me get back on the Hydrea. If only I can get my silver boobies ( . Y . ) I will be content. I feel so lucky that I've been able to freeze as much as I have so far, and I plan to put away as much as I possibly can the next few weeks so Hunter can have enough to last a couple months after I can't feed him anymore. We're doing great, I sent 930oz to my dad's to store in his freezer and have almost filled another box of 240oz in our freezer. It takes me about 2 weeks to put away 240oz so I hope to get close to another 500oz before I start the med. If Hunter eats about 24oz a day, then I'd have enough to last him... almost 70 days if I can store what I want to, so at least he's going to get breastmilk til he's at least 6 months! I suppose I can feel good about that. I hope that when I'm on a nasty chemo pill that I can have the energy to keep up with him. I don't want to miss out on more than I already know I will be. I am just looking forward to when he turns 1 and we can start trying for baby #2. Then I will have to be off Hydrea, and when I'm pregnant I know this stupid disease will correct itself for the duration. Wish I could just trick my body into thinking I was pregnant all the time, then I wouldn't have to worry about all this stuff...

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Elusive Giggles

So two people love it when Hunter gets raspberries blown on his tummy. The one doing the blowing, and of course the little man himself! It's the only thing I've done that's gotten a giggle out of him so far. I can't wait to hear his laughs, hope that won't be too far off!

So little man is almost 4 months old! And things otherwise are about the same. I do love staying home and playing with him all day, and it's great that he's been napping a lot better lately too. He will take a 45 minute one in the morning or around noon, and usually 2 more in the afternoon that are about 40 minutes long each. And he's taking them in his bassinet which is great! Next step is to get him to nap in the crib, which will probably start this weekend!

Oh... and right about this time last year, Hunter was created... LOL! It's crazy to think just a year ago we didn't even know we would be meeting our little boy so soon!
In other news, our basement is finally getting finished. It'll be a lot of work still but it's coming along. We picked up the flooring and it looks great! My laundry room is almost done, and the rest is getting done bit by bit. Can't wait to see it when all is ready, we can pick out paint colors, furniture for the rec room, a big rug for in there too... Lots to look forward to!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Baby Boy is 3 months old!

Hunter turned 3 months on Dec. 30! A quarter of a year old! 14 weeks! A solid 14lbs, 10oz! Two feet tall! Bustin' out of his size 0-3 month clothes! Talking up a storm! Grabbing everything! In his Jolly Jumper bouncing like a madman!

Not quite laughing yet, but he lets us know when he thinks something's funny. Hasn't rolled over yet, either way, but he really tries! You ever seen Homer Simpson lying on the floor running in circles, yelling Woop Woop Woop Woop? Well, Hunter does that, except the yelling Woop part, he's mostly grunting and sometimes fussing because he can't QUITE roll over but he knows he wants to! He also tends to fart A LOT while trying to roll over!!

I love you, my little big boy!

And the verdict is...

So for nearly an entire year I happily anticipated my most recent visit to the hematologist. Why?? He had told me that he wanted to see me off any form of blood thinners for the new year. I was glad to get off the warfarin (aka rat poison) after finding out I was pregnant at the end of January. Did my share of injections up until the night before said appointment, which means I poked my belly with a needle over 300 times in the last 11 months. Went to my much-anticipated appointment. I knew it would be a long one, because my old hem. had to pass me along to a different one due to his research grant that he'll be working on the next 2 years. So it would be a long one, going over all my history and records and getting to know the new guy into whose hands I was putting my life (that sounds funny!). Deep breath...

We actually got in pretty fast! Which is great, so as not to make a happy baby a fussy one! Everyone in the cancercare building thought Hunter was the cutest thing. One woman, who came all the way from Nunavut which took a 3 1/2 hour flight and a 1 1/2 hour drive (And I thought I had to travel a long way, lol) thought he was so adorable she got him a little quilt from the giftshop with kitties on it. She also claimed to share my same birthday which was more than a little creepy.

Anyways, got bloodwork done, went to see the Dr, actually got in right away, and sat and waited. He came in right away. Sigh...

Apparantly he doesn't agree that I can be off thinners. So now I'm back on the warfarin (damn rat poison) which is actually OK when I'm breastfeeding. With a very, very strong possibility of having to start taking Hydrea again (absolutely NOT OK while breastfeeding). Damnit! I hate that stuff! He actually said he wanted me to start one or the other that same day. I told him if I had to make a choice it would be the warfarin because I want to feed my little boy as long as I can. So that night what do you know. Back on the rat poison. The Dr. said the usual cutoff when he starts someone on Hydrea is when their platelet count is 600. Mine that day was 599. So it's not going to be long before I have to start taking those awful pink & blue pills again. Back to losing my hair and constantly getting sick - Yay!

I would give anything to be allowed to go till Hunter is 6 months old before I have to start those. Give me time to save up more milk for him, and get out of these cold winter months where I would constantly be sick and exhausted. Right now I've got something like 750oz of milk stored in the freezer, which is awesome, but still only enough to last about a month! I figure if I am freezing 12oz/day right now and can do that for 3 more months, I'd add a little over 1000oz to what I have now and he would have enough to last about 2 1/2 months before I had to totally do formula. Hmmm... how does that compare to what I wanted in the first place, to breastfeed til he's 1? Looks like that's not going to happen. At this point I'll be very lucky if he still gets boob by his next Dr. appointment when he's 6 months old, and won't make it to 9 months off what I can freeze. That sucks!

It seriously depresses me. I mean, I got off the awful pill Sept of 2008 and I knew my counts were slowly but surely rising. Then while pregnant, just being pregnant kept them in a normal zone which was such a blessing. Now that he's out, it seems like my counts are in overdrive and I'm already waaaaay over where I should be. I mean, 599! When I went off the stuff in Sept 08 it took 4 months to even reach 500! Now it's been 3 months and I'm at the point of needing to take pills that make me feel like poo to fix things. Damn chemo drugs. Why!!! It is so maddening and frustrating. Things are going so well, and this has to mess things up. I could live with the hair loss and getting sick if only it didn't mean I had to stop feeding my baby too. I don't feel like a failure. But I feel like my fricking bone marrow is a failure.

Oh and I forgot to mention that this new Dr. is good, I liked him, he speaks using the bigger medical terms but I know enough about my own condition that I know what he's talking about. J on the other hand didn't quite follow with all that was said. He heard: 'the average lifespan for someone with this is about 20 years' and got scared. But I know that the average age of diagnosis of this is age 60, so to live 20 years after that is pretty darn great! I really have no worries concerning that. However if I have to be on harsh chemo drugs for who knows how long, that lead to me having a higher risk of developing leukemia, maybe I won't stay healthy as long as I hope to. Then he (Dr.) says that we still have the bone marrow transplant as an option down the road, but that is so dangerous and although it would likely cure me there's a chance it might not work or that my disease would come back... Arghhh! Well, I didn't find out anything I didn't already know, I suppose. I felt bad walking out of there because I knew J was a little freaked out by some of that stuff.

What can I do about all this? Well, for now, I can hold my baby boy close and tell him Mama will always be here, and not to be scared if I have to go through some hard things in order to get better. I can feed him the thing he loves best in all the world, for the time being. I can look forward to giving him a baby brother or sister because thank god this disease won't be passed to my children, and being pregnant appears to be really really good for me. I can take a million and one pictures. That's really about it.